Naked
by Pyroluminescence
Summary: Ed returns to the Colonel's office after hours to find Roy still in it... Naked. Just WHAT is the sorryass colonel planning? ...You'd be surprised. Humor, language, sex references. A neat IMO take on Roy and Ed's friendship. IF YOU READ IT, REVIEW IT.


**A/N: **Just a warning - this story is full of inconsistancies. xD

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Exactly how or why Edward had come in to find the Colonel's office _quite_ occupied, with said Colonel occupying it, whilst very much awake and completely _nude_, he had yet to figure out. Moreover, he had yet to scrape his mind off the office walls before he could begin to figure it out. The situation would be determined by one eloquently-worded, intellectually challenging inquiry on Edward's part. 

"B-BWWUUUUUUUUH?!"

Roy didn't look startled. To the contrary, it didn't appear as though his expression had changed from when Ed had stumbled in. He raised an eyebrow at the rather off-putting display of his subordinate's blatant absent-mindedness and shrugged off the seemingly awkward situation as though it were more trivial than Havoc's frequent inquiries about his dating habits.

"Ah, Fullmetal. Glad you made it. I understand I said you'd be working alone tonight, but it turns out I was scheduled for a date with one of the fine ladies who came from Central, and as expected, I got a bit behind in my wo-"

"SHUT UP!" Edward's stunned state fell away at the infuriating sound of Mustang's voice. So calm, collected, carefree… LOATHESOME! Just how was Roy going to jerk him around_this_ time?!

"What are you trying to pull, Colonel?! As far as I know, doing your paperwork NAKED is no where in the job description!"

"Oh?" Roy yawned broadly, purposely drawing out the gesture to vex Ed even further. "This is my office, Fullmetal. As you well know, I'm in charge within these four walls. And I say… Why not? The breeze is quite refreshing. No one else is around to have any say in it, hm? Why don't you dress down a bit? It's actually quite comfortable."

Roy wasn't aware of the moment between when he'd finished the sentence and when Ed's fist collided with his cheek.

"Shit!" He exclaimed, running his fingers tenderly over the rapidly swelling flesh. "Why can't you sneak up on the _enemy_ like that?"

"What the hell is going on?!"

Roy rolled his eyes. "I told you. I got behind in my paperwork, decided to come here and get it done, and figured as long as no one was around I could enjoy a refreshing take on the world free from the binds of clothing and modesty!"

Ed took his turn at eye-rolling. "There are beaches for that, you know." Ed shot his superior yet another glare. "And you knew I'D be coming! You seem to always want to drag me into crap you could do yourself! Dusting your office?! I don't care how much overtime I get paid! There are maids for that! And to top it off, I come in here to find you flashing your junk around like you were waiting for me like my personal prostitute!"

Roy really had a talent for eyebrow-raising.

"Look, I don't know why you're so pissed at me for being naked, of all things, but if you're going to be that way, fine. Part of being a State Alchemist is learning to cope with situations you don't understand and often aren't comfortable with. You don't question, you don't protest, you just go with it. There are going to be situations worse than this, and sometimes _worse_ in the same regard."

Roy also had a talent for burning icy holes in Ed with those scarily dark eyes of his.

"Your superior has given you an order. You'll follow through."

"WHAT?! You mean this whole thing, the nudity, your stupid 'orders'… You're just TESTING ME?! Stop fucking around with me, dammit!"

His superior gave him a sympathic smile. "Believe me, there are worse things superiors do to their subordinates to harden them to these things. The military's a sick and corrupted place. You and I know that better than most everyone, eh Elric?"

"Just what are you getting at? You think that cleaning your office while you're in here NAKED is going to help me?! Is this some kind of order?" Edward paused, and then went off in a would-be imitation of Roy's superiors. "'Sorry to inform you on such short notice Colonel Mustang, but it's about time you sexually harassed ol' Fullmetal so he's not so shocked when he give him orders to go be violated by half the higher-ups! Bwah-ha-ha!'"

"I wouldn't call this sexual harassment. You'll do as you're told and you'll do it regardless of circumstances. That's what this is all about, Edward. Today it's cleaning my office. Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, yeah, I hear you. I've been there." Elric crossed his arms and leered at Roy from behind his baggy sleeves.

His intimidating stance was immediately loosened as Roy stode up to him in a single fluid motion, leaning down to meet his subordinate's eyes, widened in shock.

"Do tell," Roy offered, smirking slightly.

Ed hardened back into his stance, leering, if it were possible, even _harder_ at the colonel. "Whatever. I'm getting this done and getting the hell out of here. …And cover up your junk, would you?"

Roy smirked. "After you."

Before Ed could even think of questioning Roy's answer, a flash of light and a spark signaled an alchemic transmutation. So Roy _wasn't_ completely nude. Did the guy ever take his damn glove off? The colonel's expert precision caused the flames to home in on Edward, not causing him a bit of harm, but doing a very good job in reducing his clothing to ashes.

"WHAT THE HELL!?"

No, it wasn't enough that he had _agreed_ to follow the colonel's ridiculous orders under his even more ridiculous conditions. Nope. Not Roy's style. He ALSO had to be completely in the buff.

Another flash of light signaled a transmutation. The air around Ed seemed to compact and expand in a flash, and then a large burst of air blew the remnants of his clothes away.

"Now then, you can start with the bookshelves. Be careful; there are a few spiders."

It would be ten minutes before Edward finished glaring daggers at his superior, turned on his heel once more, and, rag in hand, proceeded to do just that. How he managed to set aside his fury and block out the idea that Roy was armed with a camera and prepared to have half of Eastern Command see his wing-dang-doodle, he would have to recall later. Right now his full concentration was put into blocking out the circumstances and focusing on the task at hand.

As much as it pissed him off, Roy did have a point. It might not have been cleaning bookshelves naked, but there could come a time when what he was learning would come in handy. It was awkward, and, as Roy had said, he didn't understand why he was doing this. He remembered hours and hours of similarly strange and seemingly unnecessary situations under the guidance of Izumi-sensei. As he got older, he was only beginning to see how what he'd thought were ridiculous circumstances had bettered him. Right now, it didn't pay to question Roy. It paid to get the job done as soon as possible so he could get home. …And then come in early the next day to pound the shit out of the colonel and humiliate his ass.

Which, by the way, Roy seemed awfully fond of showing.

It wasn't as though they hadn't seen each other naked before. They'd changed in front of each other many times. Public showers. Strip poker. He'd often hated how close the two of them had to be. Roy was one of his greatest allies and friends, and for that, Ed loved him. …However, he didn't LIKE the colonel one bit. Lousy manipulative bastard…

"Fullmetal, I asked you to DUST the shelves, not strip them of their finish. Easy," Mustang called from over his paper. Ed resisted the urge to punch him again. _Reading the paper…_

"So, were you put through anything like this?" Ed spoke up, keeping his voice casual so as to mask his irritation.

Ed - masking his irritation. That had to be a new one.

Roy shrugged, a movement only made apparent by the direction the paper rustled in. "I told you. As a State Alchemist, our rank is respective of _Major_ when we start out. Keeping it was hard enough. By the time we were sent off to Ishbal, I'd though I'd fully understood what it meant to carry out meaningless orders."

Ed didn't respond, which was probably for the better. Another, slightly more drawn out rustle signified that Roy had either finished or grown bored with his newspaper.

"Before the war," Roy continued, his voice seeming somehow strained, "I was working under General Hakuro under that rank. When he was told to place me in an awkward situation I'd have no hope of understanding for the sake of hardening me to it… Well, he did just that, but he was especially creative in his means of doing so. Most soldiers, like yourself, aren't terribly afraid of showing your ass in front of your comrades, which was why he felt something of that nature was ridiculous. Some officers had their subordinates go on dates with their parents. As for Hakuro… I was the only one he insisted on _violating_."

A cloth fell noiselessly to the floor as Ed stared in shock at his superior.

"Colonel…"

Roy only smirked in response. "It's a sick place here, Fullmetal. What happened to me was nothing compared to yet more things no one sheds light on. Within a week I was over it. I learned a lot, and despite being pissed, I thanked Hakuro. Before I swore to become Fuhrer, before Ishbal… I swore to myself one other thing."

From across the room, Ed had their gazes locked.

"Do tell," Ed replied coolly.

"I swore I'd never treat one of my own subordinates unfairly."

Edward's smirk extended into a grin. "You shouldn't have sworn something you couldn't stay true to."

Roy chuckled audibly, running a still-gloved hand through his already thoroughly tangled hair. "Watch out for the fourth shelf; there's a spider."

Somehow, as Ed practically threw the filth-ridden, but well-purposed cloth back at the colonel after a nights' work, he'd felt as though part of him had grown to admire the colonel in a new way. Yes, as much as he hated to admit it, where Roy was almost family to him, he was _obligated_ to love him, but now he felt something not short of friendship towards his superior. It was strange, but not entirely unwelcome.

"Seeya tomorrow," Ed grumbled none-too-enthusiastically as he slipped on a freshly transmuted glove.

Roy grunted in response, clearly disinterested and none-too-grateful for having his office polished.

"And hey."

Roy's gaze drifted up long enough to catch a glimmer of what might have been an all-too-arrogant smirk.

"_Thanks_, Colonel."

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Awww... Those two. xD I apologize if you were expecting yaoi or something... I love yaoi more than I love every breath I take, but IMO Roy and Ed's relationship is a lot sweeter and more interesting when it's non-romantic. It's a complicated one, but a fun one. 

YOU READ IT, NOW REVIEW! Geez... Why do the readers never review? o.o I love feedback.

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